I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
You Might Also Like
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
selfie game
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono