Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
You Might Also Like
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES