Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
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Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.