I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
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DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps