[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
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Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too