“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
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Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist