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[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !