[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
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“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”