The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
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[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.