Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
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Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Always…
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom