True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
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just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
i can’t wait that long
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes