Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
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Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
i think both sides are to blame here
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”