Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
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I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery