every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
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Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
☺️
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday