amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
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i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.