I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great