God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
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Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there