Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
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Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
opening twitter today
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”