Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
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The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
This kid is a star!
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Mood.. 😂
*updates tinder bio*
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
all that yoga finally paid off
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he