Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
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Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?