Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
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Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Feels like there should be a middle ground
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.