No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
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Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
me hooking up with my ex
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I put the h in mysterious.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!