EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
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Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
buys donuts instead
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I think I’ll stand
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?