how to have an accident 101
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An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
can’t believe I got front row seats
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Meow
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
British people be like I’m Bri ish
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Stop.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!