me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
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I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
The internet is full of many things
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.