I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
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i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
“just sayin” who asked you though?
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf