Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
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Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁