As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
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Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.