If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
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GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Perfection.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”