still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
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Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
The A string on my guit_r is flat
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.