[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
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Me as a therapist: omg same
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Raisins are grape jerky.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours