I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
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[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
My kitchen overserved me.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman