Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
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i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶