I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
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I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.