[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
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To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Why font matters.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
BRAKING NEWS!!
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”