4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
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Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I support this random dude and all his protests
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.