Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
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if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.