Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
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Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.