ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
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[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
How your email finds me
Who.
Did.
This?
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.