Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
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Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.