My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
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I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
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