yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
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Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no