“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
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Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.