i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
You Might Also Like
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”