*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
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“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard