i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
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I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.