neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
You Might Also Like
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.