Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
You Might Also Like
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!