*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
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Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him