Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
You Might Also Like
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.